Binderama60for60

I used to joke with friends that whatever we were doing at the time would make it impossible to become a Senator or confirmed to the Supreme Court. These days, we would likely sail to confirmation, though we might be considered too squeaky clean.

These are the kind of moments I will work into a conversation, given the chance. Don’t give me the chance. Some of these moments will be revisited throughout 60|60. Note: My “editor” thought this post was a little to ego-centric. Yes!

When you find yourself…

1. Being a backup dancer to Up With People, dressed as Scooby Doo, at the White House Easter Egg Roll
2. Exploring Ritan Park in Beijing at dawn with my then-friend Mary, and coming upon the scene of 100s of elderly Chinese couples on a blacktop ballroom dancing to “Moon River,” my parents’ song
3. Staring up at the moon in the Oregon redwoods, surrounded by hippies and listening to the radio announce that men had landed on it, but I couldn’t see them
4. Dancing on the roof of a double wide outside Pigeon Forge, Tennessee with a cup of moonshine in a half-naked kick-line made up of cast and crew from Dollywood
5. Pushing a fake 1920s jitney up to Cinderella Castle and back down Main Street USA in Walt Disney World, with my supervisor at the wheel, as public shaming for having run out of gas
6. Receiving a video from a dear, long-ago girlfriend of her seat assignment at Donald Trump’s second inauguration inside the Capitol rotunda, placed right next to Hulk Hogan
7. Writhing in the throes of an expert Thai massage in Phuket, feeling like a deboned turkey attempting to be reconstructed
8. Humble-bragging about solving The New York Times Sunday crossword in 11 minutes, 25 seconds; really, it’s just bragging
9. Telling untruths to the press that I’d been led to believe were true; I understand how political spinners and spokespeople can claim a relatively clear conscience
10. Having visions of demons rampaging through my head as I lay on a gurney in the ER and learning that I had just suffered my very first and very real panic attack
11. Flying from New York to Hong Kong for meetings and then to Los Angeles, without time or a place to sleep
12. Being carried to bed by my Dad or Brothers after falling asleep every Saturday on the family room carpet, somewhere in the midst of watching TV’s greatest night: “All in the Family,” “MASH,” “Mary Tyler Moore,” “Bob Newhart” and “Carol Burnett;” these days it’s not considered precious around here
13. Squatting on the sideline of a high school football game, looking through a camera zoom lens as our all-state quarterback threw a heater right at me, it skimmed off the wet grass at great speed and straight up into my balls; I did not move for 10 minutes or walk right for days
14. Climbing and crawling on the Great Wall of China on a moonless, snowy night, while waiting for the man who smelled like vodka to trip the lights
15. Writing a haiku every morning of 2021, a year that started off mundane but became anything but
16. Sitting in a car outside the Orleans Casino in Las Vegas at 3AM on a school night, having just squandered a $5000 jackpot won just a few hours earlier, and thinking about what to do next
17. Riding the Lexington Avenue express, toting an aromatic sack of Reubens from the Carnegie Deli to take home to my visiting parents on a cold, rainy Wednesday evening before Thanksgiving
18. Driving east on 1-66, straight into the sunrise, after an all-nighter of swilling coffee, listening to Live Aid from London, on my way to transport Werner Klemperer (Colonel Klink) to Union Station in DC, and getting horribly lost in the process
19. Being drawn to Carl Schurz Park on the East River after a late-night breakfast at Gracie’s Corner to watch what proved to be a life-affirming and life-changing sunrise over Queens and up and down the river; it felt that way at the time and it feels the same way now
20. Holding Kieran Culkin’s hand when his much more famous older brother McCauley visited Universal Florida with their family on Easter
21. Escorting two of Rick James’s teenage girlfriends back to their motel near the Richmond Airport and buying them beer even though I was 17, and then escaping when the douchey manager showed up with stronger stuff
22. Slurping my first oyster at a dive bar in New Orleans; it’s all in the sauce and a whole lot of beer
23. Ripping tickets for the premieres of “Superman II” and “Cannonball Run” on one Friday in June at Roth’s Tysons Corner 5 Theaters; for that day, we owned summer
24. Sharing my cigarettes with River and Joaquin (nee Leaf) Phoenix at the Florida premiere of “Parenthood”
25. Perfecting a full smoked brisket for the first time (or thinking I did); the secret is in the resting IMO, at least two hours in towels and a cooler
26. Collapsing to the ground, repeatedly, as the result of a bum knee while performing in full, furry regalia as Captain Caveman at Kings Dominion and then being further humiliated by packs of punk kids piling onto me
27. Finding a $10 bill in the tide of Lake Michigan as a lad; I still scan the waves on every walk
28. Hiring a semi-professional wrestler to wear a Walmart happy face logo costume, get on stage and scream obscenities and flip off the audience at the annual Kmart managers meeting at Opryland; didn’t end well for Kmart
29. Getting nabbed for stealing at a coin show and having my law-school brother spring me and keep it a secret from my parents; the shame was agony
30. Reciting the Lord’s Prayer at my Gran’s funeral, something she had helped me memorize years before
31. Quitting smoking, finally, after 27 years trying; wanna do the same? Chantix.
32. Breaking up with someone who might have been the love of my life a long time ago. And that is only my second greatest regret of that year
33. Sleeping through the events of 9/11 (I was on PDT) and having some weird survivor’s guilt about it to this day
34. Holding my own in a conversation with client Intel Chairman Andy Grove and his good friend Steve Jobs during rehearsals for an event at the MGM Grand Garden Arena
35. Basking in the company of a hundred swimsuit models and Fabio, Pauly Shore, Benny Hill, Leslie Nielsen, Jim Kelly and many others at a Hawaiian Tropic party at the founder’s oceanfront compound near Daytona Beach
36. Walking through the morning fog at Walt Disney World at 7 years and thinking, I want to live here someday
37. Answering a call from my brother’s phone early in the morning, only to hear his wife tell me he was dead
38. Walking into a surprise party for my 25th birthday, totally, totally, totally unawares thanks to two of my best friends who convinced me we were going to a strip club; one of the best nights
39. Showing up at a departure gate in Miami International to begin a week-long site survey in South America and being berated by my new client for checking a bag — “it’s going to slow all of us down” — and then marrying said client 15 years later
40. Arriving on the scene of a collapsed stage and box truss on a stormy night at Universal Orlando, hearing cries from the crew trapped underneath, some injuries but none fatal; had it happened 30 minutes earlier there would have been 100s of people under there
41. Spending a day with Michael Jackson at Universal Orlando when he insisted on having no security detail; the Beatlemania vibe was intense
42. Suffering a heart “episode” and choosing to drive to the hospital (instead of calling 911), searching for a place to park, and then walking three blocks to the ER; when I was released a week later I paid a hefty fee for the convenience
43. Losing it during the 21-gun salute at my Father’s graveside, feeling more pride in him and his service than ever before
44. Spending my only night in jail after being arrested when a house party was raided by police who then discovered an Orlando Sentinel newspaper vending machine in one of the bedrooms; it altered the trajectory of my life
45. Wearing legit Chess King parachute pants to class in 1983 and returning to my room immediately to change; never again
46. Holding a transistor radio to my ear, sitting on the curb of Pennsylvania Avenue awaiting Ronald Reagan’s first inaugural parade, and having police and secret service agents ask if the Iran hostages were free yet
47. Having no keys in my possession for two weeks after selling my car, leaving Florida, and preparing to move to NYC; a wonderfully freeing experience
48. Driving a car carrying Frankie Avalon, Bobby Rydell and Fabian when Frankie got flipped off by a woman he was trying to flirt with in the next car over; the other dreamboats howled
49. Sitting in VIP seats at SNL and then being a wallflower at the after party
50. Saying goodbye over the phone to my Mother minutes before she passed
51. Having a perfect senior-year college Saturday: football game, fraternity pig roast and an epic first date with a girl I had been hoping to meet since freshman year
52. Escorting two of the GoGos upstairs room during a fraternity party following their concert
53. Trying to remember the last time someone told me I had nice eyes; it’s been a while
54. Staring down from a hotel balcony at the Sydney Opera House perfectly situated at the end of a double rainbow
55. Self-publishing a book that next to nobody read and feeling okay about it; I’m sure it will hit the bestseller list posthumously
56. Celebrating my 60th birthday with friends and my brother in Las Vegas, the place of so much joy and pain. It was perfect. Grateful. So grateful.
57. Hustling through the Mumbai airport at 2AM after 25+ hours of travel, pushing though immigration and customs and emerging into the oppressively hot, loud, crowded, dark and sooty air… to light a cigarette
58. Crossing Saint James Park in London and happening upon the Queen and her Mum — right there! — in an open carriage heading up the Mall for the Trooping of the Colour
59. Getting married at the base of Camelback Mountain at sunset when my wife surprised me with her vows
60. Digging into Mom’s macaroni and cheese; she made it for my every birthday growing up and every time I returned home