Binderama60for60

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Happy Birthday, Babe!

Here’s a story about the Family I married into.

A while back, Mary’s niece Emma was accepted into Colorado College. She was the latest in a long line of O’Neills to matriculate there. Her application was stellar: activism, volunteering, world travel and adventure, fish mongering, a black belt. Overall an upright citizen, a kick-ass prospect.

A few weeks later, just before Christmas, she received another letter from CC. Based on her deeply empathic bona fides, Emma was being welcomed into an exclusive program called the Second Chance Academic Rehabilitation and Reformatory program (SCARR). She would be partnered with a less-advantaged student in hopes of helping them get their life back on track. The news was shared at a big family holiday dinner in Palo Alto. Obviously, all were immensely proud! This is pure Emma! She’s so got this!

A few days later, another letter arrived in her mailbox, this one introducing Emma to her roommate-to-be, her SCARR “Sister” Jennifer. According to the enclosed dossier, Jennifer had recently been released from Zebulon Pike Detention Center and accepted into CC as part of a new outreach initiative. Her photo was tough to look at, reminiscent of the Faces of Meth memes.

Emma’s role would be vital to Jennifer’s recovery. Her mandated duties included monitoring Jennifer’s ankle bracelet, enforcing strict celibacy, and administering her antipsychotic meds daily.

The Family’s enthusiasm took an extreme turn. WTAF! How could they? This is horrifying! Oh hell no!

Emma’s parents, Kay and Peter, both CC alums, phoned the Dean of Housing on his cell; he was on Christmas break in Hawaii. He assured them that he knew nothing of the program, that it sounded absurd (even for CC). None of this made any sense. They were being punked.

Curious, no?

Turns out, this was the work of Emma’s cherished cousins, Ben and Tyler, identical twins and pranking masterminds—savants!—along with their dad Harn. I’m happy to say I had a little something to do with it, some minor Photoshopping and finessing the acronym for SCARR. To be clear: I did not have anything to do with the mail-frauding part of this.

Once the jig was up, Emma, Kay and Peter quickly and rightly suspected the culprits and called them out. Ben and Tyler fessed up. Guilty.

At Emma’s wedding last year, the guys staged a passion play recreating the drama for the uninitiated. There was dancing and singing, some costumes, a dream sequence. I narrated. Raves.

Eerily, there has been no retribution.

Yet.

Such is life in the O’Neill Family.

At First Sight…

I met most of the O’Neill cast back in the early aughts. It was a party at an apartment near UCLA. Ben and Tyler’s 21st birthday. Mary and I were not yet an item, but I lived just on the other side of the 405, so why not. Harn was grilling, Kay was mixing drinks, Mary’s oldest sister Karen was mingling, Ben had just gotten back from a football game at the Rose Bowl and Tyler was hauling in gear after a day on a film shoot.

That’s the thing about the O’Neills, they come at you fast, all at once and from all sides. Relentlessly charming.

A year later, Ben graduated from UCLA and Tyler from USC. That’s when I met Mary’s Parents, Gene and Jane. Gene was an imposing and gregarious figure, a successful businessman and a bit of a dapper cat, a 23-skidoo sort of fellow. He looked good in a Fedora. Jane’s sparkle was simply irresistible and contagious. Her eyes could light up a room, along with her smile, grace and curiosity. They were big dancers, which I learned in short order.

That weekend, we all met up at The Grove for lunch. I drove. Mary was in the back seat, Gene rode shotgun. He asked me what I did for a living. Thirty minutes later, as we pulled into the parking garage, and after much back and forth, Gene still had no idea what I did. Neither did I, at that point. Mary stayed silent the whole time.

It wasn’t until I moved in with Mary in Mountain View a few years later that I completed the set: Kay’s husband Peter and their kids Emma and Griffin. I think Griffin approved because I wore Vans and had Green Day’s “Longview” as my ringtone. Kids dig me that way.

Back then, the three sisters lived within a few miles of each other, up and down the 101 in Silicon Valley, so we got together often. Side note: At our wedding reception, Mary, Karen and Kay performed “Sisters” from “White Christmas.” Apparently it wasn’t their first time. It doesn’t take much to incite a reprise.

All the kids are married now. And to good people: Neil, Dralla, Niko and Nopo. Gene and Jane have passed. On special occasions, I sport Gene’s Fedora proudly.

There’s Something (Else) About Mary

Today is Mary’s birthday. I won’t say which one. It’s an odd number but not a prime. It’s one of those numbers that gets you special discounts the rest of your life, usually before 5:30 PM. She’s not the type to exploit such things, but it’s good to know in a pinch.

I did a whole post last month about me and Mary, in honor of our 10th wedding anniversary. Meet cute, world travel, dogs, houses, careers, lots more. But I left a few things out.

Btw, Mary, if you’re reading this, just scroll down real quick. A little more. More. (She’s a very private person.)

Truth be told, she approved this post. Mostly. It was an early draft.

Mary is the youngest of four. Her Family called her Sonny for a few years in her youth because of the haircuts her Mother got her. Her Dad called her a “Weirdsmobile,” a moniker she has applied to every dog we’ve had. Speaking of dogs, Mary is a dog whisperer extraordinaire. It doesn’t affect Bowzer’s behavior in the slightest, but it is the sweetest thing to overhear first thing in the morning and late at night and throughout the day. It’s actually happening right now in the other room.

She grew up near St. Louis. There’s a thing they do there, when meeting another native: “Where’d you go to high school?” The answer offers up lots of socio-economic insight and spurs further conversation. (Not so different from dogs sniffing butts IMO.) Mary went to a private school called John Burroughs. So whenever the question comes up, every few years, the conversation is over. Record-scratch, eyes askance, awkward silence. Fun fact: Jon Hamm, Ellie Kemper, Sam Altman and Danny Meyer are alums.

She is the child of a grocer. When other couples go on vacation, they might explore museums or hip neighborhoods or just sit on the beach. We do all that but we also hit the local food stores and markets. For fun.

Gene was a player in the grocery business and started several chains, including Shop’n’Save and Save-A-Lot. Mary worked punch-cards for his company in her early teens. She can also bag some serious groceries, a masterclass for the checkers and assistant managers. Until a few years ago, there was a Save-A-Lot across the street from a Shop’n’Save in Ludington, nearby our Michigan home. But alas.

Mary is a planner and a doer. She makes things happen. At 15, she had her own catering business. In her career, she’s made things happen for Marriott, Intel, Cisco and ServiceNow. When we hosted Meat Days in California, Mary crafted the menu, including meatball-dipping bars, ceviche shots, bacon fatties (DM me), brisket, chicken wings, salmon and tuna, ribeyes, ribs and more. I think there was a vegan option. But why? it’s called Meat Day! Mary is nice that way.

Fun note: She likes a good reveal. On weekends during the pandemic, we became watchers of HGTV, while solving jigsaws on a card table a few feet from the HD. So these days, if the TV is on and whatever football game sucks, we’ll tune to channel 41 at about 10 to the hour to watch the finished product for a house we will never visit and owners we will never meet. Doers get it done. Closure. But what’s with that wallpaper in the bathroom?

Mary & The Binders

She met my Mom and Dad at Lake Michigan in 2005, halfway through a roadtrip from California, via St. Louis. And then Christmas with my Folks in Virginia, where f-bombs were dropped and oysters shucked. Read all about it here and here. We didn’t marry for another 10 years, a source of scandal to my oldest Brother Tim. He and Dad passed before Mary and I did marry. Mom was there, in Scottsdale. Family, friends and more. Gene had to cancel at the last minute, sadly. My Brother Mike offered up the first toast. Tim’s widow Gina delivered a real glass-hoister, timely and spot-on.

In the summer of 2019, just before the pandemic hit, Mom announced that it would be her last season in the house on Lake Michigan. It was just too much to maintain and navigate. The thought of losing the house from the Family was excruciating to me. When I suggested to Mary we should buy it, she rightly noted that it was impractical: we lived 2500 miles away and had jobs and offices and business travel and old dogs and lives.

But since our Families have scattered and dwindled, Lake Michigan is the only place where we have a nexus of kin and where extended Family and friends can visit–not easily, mind you, but still. Karen, Ben and Tyler visited two summers ago. They haven’t been back since. Might be something about administering my meds?

Mary made a huge sacrifice to keep the Lake house in the Family–if only for one more generation–and for that I will be eternally grateful. We’re finishing some reno and upgrades on the place my Folks built for their golden years back in the early 1980s. This will play a big part in our next chapter.

We’re Off to See the Wizard

Today, on Mary’s quantifiably-confidential birthday, we’re in Las Vegas. We spent a lot of time here as part of our jobs, but we still love visiting the place. Shows, sights, chow, vices and all. I still enjoy a little nicotine contact-high. We’ll be taking in the late matinee of “The Wizard of Oz” at the Sphere and then having dinner with the Cousins and BFF Gberg. Chinese. Mary’s choice.

Tomorrow night, we’re re-celebrating our 10th anniversary at Hugo’s Cellar. (On our actual anniversary last month, we were in Bentonville, Arkansas. We got Vietnamese take-out to bring back to the hotel room to watch football. We’re easy like that.)

Hugo’s is an O.G. classic on Fremont Street and the site of an early dinner–as friends–20+ years ago. It was during the awkward period. There was a tiara.

Ben and Tyler probably aren’t here. Or maybe they are. Wait, is that Jennifer? Or is that Ben dressed up like Jennifer? Or Emma. With a tiara.

With this Family, one never knows.