Binderama60for60

We don’t have a lawn but if we did, you all would be welcome on it.

When you saw the title of this post, I bet you heard Clint Eastwood saying it in your head. A little digging: it appears David Letterman popularized this phrase back in the 80s. (Don’t you hate it when people use Wikipedia to sound smart? Me too.)

Like everything else in this 60|60 project, I hope you enjoy it and can relate, but this project has always been all about Numero Uno. (Don’t you hate it when people slip into other languages. Me too. And I do it all the time. Sacre bleu!)

Writing this post has been extremely cathartic. I highly recommend the activity. Herewith my top 60 lovable gripes and grievances:

1. Learn to drive, Part 1. Turn signals. Use them.
2. Enough with the Hallmark movies. Just. Stop.
3. Why is everything so effing hard to open? That hard plastic stuff is the worst; you need scissors or knives to get into that thing, and there might be blood. Then there’s the screw-tops that need to be pulled, pushed, squeezed, caressed or cursed at. And then there’s often another seal to deal with under all that. Seriously, how likely is it that my carton of orange juice or toothbrush or bag of cheese has been tampered with? I’m willing to take that risk.
4. That light doesn’t get any greener.
5. Why are you still writing checks at the supermarket? And why do you wait until everything has been rung up to even look for the checkbook in your purse. And then, why, with a line getting longer behind you, do you then balance your checkbook while your groceries have been bagged and are sitting in your cart. Just go! Go to the Wells-Fargo counter right over there and apply for a debit card.
6. Don’t judge my day-drinking.
7. The world needs more gravy.
8. Stop lying to my friends. Some of them have lost their effing minds, families and friends like me. Okay, a few of them were screwed up before, but the propaganda and grifting is at an all new/low level. Some ugliness out there.
9. Pickleball. Axe throwing. Why not combine them?
10. Learn to drive, Part 2. Get out of the left lane. Or just get off the road.
11. Leaf blowers. In my day, we had brooms and rakes that didn’t wake the dead. And we’d wait until after 8AM to get to work.
12. Do you mind if I adjust the thermostat a little?
13. Hey, Las Vegas, stop with the nickel and dimeing–$40 to valet? $50 resort fees???–it’s beneath you. At this point, it’d be cheaper to fly to Macau.
14. Food trucks. Let me see if I have this right. I stand in line outdoors and wait to choose from the 2-5 menu items you’re offering today, crane my neck and shout my order to someone in a window several feet above me, pay more than I would in a sit-down restaurant and proffer my tip before I’m served, stand some more, receive my food on a paper plate, food that chills and coagulates in the time it takes me to find a situation for eating it–likely standing–and then use plastic utensils to pick from the now-compromised paper plate, and finally clean up after myself by separating the greasy debris among three color-coded sacks of garbage. Is that the plan?
15. Learn to drive, Part 3: merging is like tango: it takes two. Lead or follow, you can’t do both.
16. Weathercasters. Still no accountability. Stick to judging elementary school coloring contests and I’ll just use the app.
17. No, please do not start another stupid, vapid, irrelevant story! Can you not you see that no one at this table is paying attention. Your stories suck. They don’t flow. I’m actually getting angry. Here’s a thought: write a blog! You’re welcome.
18. If you’re a singer, sing. Don’t shake your ass like a stripper. You think Patsy Cline would’ve done that? 18.1: Madonna needs to keep her clothes on, for the love of God, all of them, for forever.
19. Why, when I drive the interstates as I often do, does the quality of the road surface change every few miles? And why are some of them concrete and others asphalt, some are smooth and others pock-marked like the moon? And why, if there is no work being done, are lanes still closed for miles and miles and miles? And who’s in charge of where to put those em-effing concrete barriers? And why can’t they occasionally pressure-wash the things so that I’m not distracted by skid marks swirling, swirling, swirling up the sides of the barriers, so much evidence of vehicles that certainly caught air trying to navigate this hellish stretch, like church buses and old people in cars, probably an Uber or two.
20. That new NFL kickoff thing is embarrassing. We’ve lost the respect of the global sports machine. Seriously.
21. Is no one working on breeding chickens to eliminate that annoying tendon in the drumstick? And what about the flat wings: why two bones? 21.1: Let’s rethink chickens. It’s been a while.
22. Sure, I would shop local, even at the Walmart, if you had Centrum Silver in stock. But you don’t, so I go to Amazon.
23. Anybody know this scene? “Look at this sorry, miserable, squashed thing. Can anybody tell me what’s wrong with this picture? Anybody? Anybody at all?” Pertinent in perpetuity.
24. LED lighting sucks. Everyone knows it.
25. Don’t sauce my BBQ. Concentrate on the meat; I’ll adjust to taste. And by the way, the Show Me brand of BBQ sauce from Missouri is the best. Shut up.
26. Drone light shows have a long way to go to be more exciting that fireworks, which, by the way, were invented 1000s of years ago. Oh look, it’s like a really big eagle flying really slow.
27. Vote. But not for assholes.
28. Godfather II. Obviously the best. Convince me otherwise. Don’t bother.
29. Vegan bacon: why? Is it any different than trying to make real bacon taste and feel like quinoa. Just eat your tofu and feel superior.
30. Gen Y and Z, you are in for some serious realities. I don’t envy you.
31. I don’t get why people like violent, scary horror movies. Same with wicked-spicy food. I’ve long wondered about these matters, so don’t think I’m going soft.
32. Yoga pants are a privilege, not a right. Ask a friend. A real friend. Ask another.
33. Roller coasters: please, more speed, higher highs, longer runs. Less cruelty, fewer concussions.
34. Were you raised by wolves? No offense, but were they insane, inconsiderate wolves?
35. Learn to drive, Part 4. Your loud pipes and burning rubber are doing more damage to your car than to my ears. It sucks and I think you’re an asshole, but, of course, I don’t hope that sometime soon you will find a tree to wrap your car around.
36. Why are you nice people paying so much money to look dirty and poor?
37. In my day we had three networks and two UHF outliers. We all watched the same thing so we could talk about it at school the next day. And we turned out okay.
38. I paid you for your streaming services and then you off-loaded the content I liked to another streaming service. Burn in hell.
39. Is customer service getting worse? Or have we all just given up?
40. Learn to drive, Part 5: don’t putter along at 10 MPH trying to spot your tanning salon. Just go around or make a U-turn.
41. Don’t be a dick. Sorry: don’t be such a dick.
42. Those “you’re turning into your parents” commercials are hitting a little close to home.
43. Your child riding a suitcase scooter through the airport is not cute. Your child hitting the wrong buttons on the elevator is not cute. Your child sprawled on the floor of anywhere other than inside your home is not cute. Your child lightly medicated and on a leash, cute.
44. Black tie optional is not helpful. Pick one.
45. Really, on a plane? What is wrong with you?
46. The only people who know what words like fascist, socialist, communist and oligarch actually mean are not the problem. If you want to sway anyone else, dumb it down. Way down. Dumber. Example: instead of pedophile, use child rapist. That might still be too hifalutin for some.
47. Put salt and pepper on the table, maybe some other condiments. I don’t care if it might damage your chef’s precious ego.
48. So, we’re never going to live on the moon? I wish someone would have said something earlier.
49. If we all need to get colonoscopies at certain intervals; why can’t we all get MRIs too? Seems like there are some things other than polyps that might be good to know about early. By the way, what’s with all the noises in the MRI tunnel? Can’t you just knock me out like you do when push a tube up my bottom? 49.1: I’m thinking Big Colon has an in with the insurance industry.
50. The tickets cost how much? For a concert? In the 10th row mezzanine? And it starts after 9:30? Are you people on drugs? Then give me some!
51. Video game developers, you should have stopped after Galaga.
52. Ear buds look stupid. Really. And if you’re broadcasting your business phone call to everyone within earshot, I’m going to quote Jon Lovitz from “A League of Their Own” loud enough for everyone on your call to hear: “If I had your job, I’d kill myself!” And if you’re broadcasting your personal conversation, I am going to scream “he’s got a gun!”
53. The 80s was the greatest decade for a lot of reasons. We can debate, but I will make you cry.
54. The Oscars now have 10 nominees for best film, and I’ve heard of maybe one. Haven’t seen any of them. ‘Course, I haven’t seen a movie in a real theater since “Skyfall,” so…
55. Every unused handicapped parking space should be a sign of hope. But do we really need that many?
56. Absolutely everything everywhere done for any purpose can be traced back to the want of money. Money and greed. Everything, including cynicism.
57. Would it kill you to play a little more Foghat now and then?
58. Health insurance, amirite?
59. Old people at weddings are invisible, so give us our own bar.
60. Come on, people, figure it out!

Epilogue: I had a really hard time pressing Publish on this one. It’s been so much fun to revisit and edit. And, because it’s a live blog, I will likely be doing both until Madonna puts her clothes on.