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I can’t be the last person who enjoys the celebrity Q&A in Vanity Fair to learn that the questions were drawn up by the eminent downer Marvel Proust. It was derived from a 19th Century parlor game, and it was said to reveal one’s true identity.

Of course, I have revealed my true identity in a number of parlors over the years. Sometimes for weeks on end.

Here are my responses to the Proust Questionnaire, likely with a dash of evasion:

Personality & Values

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? Rain on the roof, dogs on the bed, no plans on a Saturday.
2. What is your greatest fear? To live too long and be forgotten too soon.
3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Impatience.
4. What is the trait you most deplore in others? Hypocrisy, inconsideration.
5. Which living person do you most admire? Mel Brooks, Barack Obama, my Brother Mike and my Cousin Kathi, Jr.
6. What is your greatest extravagance? Excellent food paired with cheap wine.
7. What is your current state of mind? Contentment deep down. Closer to the surface, somewhere between raging disgust and emerging rays of hope.
8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Wealth, if that’s a virtue.

Life & Experiences

9. On what occasion do you lie? To protect someone’s feelings, within reason.
10. What do you most dislike about your appearance? Hair everywhere except on my head.
11. Which living person do you most despise? Donald Trump and his spawn.
12. What is the quality you most like in a man? Jocularity and grilling skills.
13. What is the quality you most like in a woman? Wit and intellect.
14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? “[day of the week], amirite?” and “I’m afraid that doesn’t feed the admiral’s cat!”
15. What or who is the greatest love of your life? They know.
16. When and where were you happiest? Too many places and days to recount, gratefully.
17. Which talent would you most like to have? So many: song and dance, pull-ups, a full-out sprint, piloting an airplane, rolling sushi, painting by hand.
18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Slow down and savor more.
19. What do you consider your greatest achievement? Finding contentment after a lot of searching.

Society & Ethics

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? A loved dog.
21. Where would you most like to live? Near the water, walkable to some good restaurants.
22. What is your most treasured possession? Our house on Lake Michigan, with Family.
23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Addiction.
24. What is your favorite occupation? Writer as a career; Captain Caveman as a day job.
25. What is your most marked characteristic? A facade of irreverence and disinterest.
26. What do you most value in your friends? Loyalty, even though I have not always served in kind.
27. Who are your favorite writers? Shakespeare, John Hughes, Aaron Sorkin, Barry Levinson, Springsteen, and a good cookbook author.
28. Who is your hero of fiction? Jack Sparrow.
29. Which historical figure do you most identify with? Walt Disney, but that’s a stretch.
30. Who are your heroes in real life? Some slim pickin’s these days. I’d say, anyone who wants to keep this country, our culture and ethical standards from slipping backward by years and decades.
31. What are your favorite names? Dash Benatar. Bolt Upright. Slim Pickens.
32. What is it that you most dislike? Waiting, and the dentist. Waiting for the dentist.
33. What is your greatest regret? How much time you got? A few rash decisions. Being blessed with so much but passing on the hard work. Cigarettes. DM me, I got more.
34. How would you like to die? Quick and painless. Actually, I would have been good with sitting with my back to the glass on the north side of WTC Tower 1, floor 96. The world in my lifetime changed for the worst at that instant and never looked back.
35. What is your motto? Needs more salt.